The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
