One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
