there's paper in my vomit.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
