you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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