I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
should my penis look like a turkey
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My bed smells like the plague
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
