the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
