would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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