Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
