the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
