i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
