I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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