I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
