We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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