How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize