it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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