I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drake has all the answers
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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