Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
