My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
