dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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