Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
