I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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