remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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