my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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