You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
