She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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