My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
no more duck duck goose at the bar
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
