My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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