alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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