Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Houston, we have a blender
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
