Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
