Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
