i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
