So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dicks are not precious.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
