I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
