Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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