I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
