mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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