my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
