New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sorry my hands just texted you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
