Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
