What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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