My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
