Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
