My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
