I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
