my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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