The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
