i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
