I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
