I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
