so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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