are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
